George Burns Quotes about Funny - Page 2

Much later in life, though, Gracie made a major contribution to the opera world. She stayed out of it.

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

Let me get one thing straight; I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice; no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh . . . like uh . . . like . . . uh . . . well, I'll think of it later.

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

She didn't need to go to acting school to learn that the essence of acting is to act like you're not acting.

Sex has been around for a long time. You may not believe this, but it was around before I was.

Should I be the one to play God? We're both about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods.

How can I die? I'm booked.

There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

From Paris we took the Orient Express to Vienna. I must say I was terribly disappointed; nobody was murdered on the train.

If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.

When I wasn't working, I put the blame directly where it belonged - I blamed my agent. When I didn't have an agent, I spent time looking for a new agent so I would have somebody to blame.

I'd say that about 82 percent of what I write is bad, but don't go by me; I'm as bad a judge as I am a writer. Look, if it were all good, you'd be paying twice as much for this book.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

Sex is the Universal Language in which nobody speaks; they don't have to.

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

How did I ever get sick? I've already had everything.

None of us kids had a middle name. We were lucky we had any name at all. By the time my mother got around to naming one, there was another on the way.