Henny Youngman Quotes about Funny

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.