I started my career in a town so small the local clinic was called Fred's Hospital and Grill.
I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
I hate reality shows that are not reality.
God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.
I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.
I wear the midi because I feel if you're going to look ugly, you may as well look this year's ugly.
Run scared ... and they never catch you.
Every television show you go on is a choice.
Show business can be an addiction. ... An audience would laugh at me one night, and I would chase that high for another three months.
I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.
My personal style is over-the-top dowager. The old days they said get dressed and take one thing off, I say get dressed and put one thing on.
But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.
If I found Yoko Ono floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.
I think I've lost 3lbs - I'm very, very happy. I thought of it as work and a spa.
I'm at the top, top, top of my game now. I'm so happy to be on that stage, I'm in control of it, and I love every minute of it. I walk onstage in rehearsal and I start to smile. And so I just don't care what anyone else is doing. Do what you want, say what you want. Nobody else can do what I do onstage. Nobody.
I hate Billings, Montana. They have a fashion show at Sears Roebuck
I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.
I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.
I think we all in comedi business, especially when we reach a certain age, are divas up to a point. I love when a limousine comes for me, I can't lie about that. I love when you go to a restaurant and they say, "Come this way, Miss Rivers," and you get a good table. I love all that, the perks that come with the business.
What we do is a calling...we make people happy.
Never floss a stranger.
Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.
I’m never without a bandage.
If you hate something, you hate it, and if you like something or somebody, you like it, but tell the truth. And most celebrities have that thin veneer that they will not break for you.
