What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.
I'm sure some of you are wondering whether my breasts are real. Let me just explain to you. This one is, this one isn't.
My mother told me 'man on top, woman underneath.' For years my husband & I slept in bunk beds.
With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong.
Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'
I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.
I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.
Remember a few years ago when they left Bea Arthur out of the death reel at the Oscars? Bea Arthur! How did they leave Bea Arthur out? She was in Mame; she was in All in the Family; she was in Maude; she was a Golden Girl, for God's sake! Bea was not only one of Hollywood's leading ladies, she was one of Hollywood's leading men!
Girls just want to have fun. Well, so do old ladies!
I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!
When you're first-generation money, you want to say, "I got a Mercedes and a Rolls and a Lamborghini. Take a look." When you're second-generation money, you're very quiet behind your country club doors. I think that's why people are much more aware. It's the first-generation wives that have the huge rings and the second-generation says, "Everyone be quiet as we get on our yacht or our private plane."
The glass is always half empty. All good comedians are manic-depressive.
The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.
Every time I get on an airplane I figure it's gonna get blown up. You live on the edge.
Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.
What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.
I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.
[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four.
What could be nicer than to have three horrible children behind you in an airplane, and the next set, you go onstage and you talk about how much you despise the children and what you would like to do to them on an airplane? That's the only time I would gladly take a terrorist on. It'd be worth it to get rid of these children.
I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life; my gynecologist examines me by telephone.
All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
I was absorbing a sorry truth of show business - rejection is the norm and acceptance the oddity. I was learning to cut the tops off my highs and stay with the lows where the rejections and letdowns would be shallow.
Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'
