Joan Rivers Quotes - Page 11

I want to be buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe tag.

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.

I like my politicians and my judges and my lawyers to be simple. I think if you worry about where your hemline is you're really not concentrating on the world crisis.

Emotional troubles are like landfill. Get them outside, and the air disintegrates them.

If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot.

I've always hate child stars, starting from way back when, when I was a child. The first child star I saw was Shirley Temple. She was six years old, two foot six and the biggest star in Hollywood. She wore ribbons in her hair, and frilly little pinafores and shiny patent-leather tap shoes - just like the boys in Glee do.

The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.

Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.

Al Roker said I am 80 years 'young'; it's like saying Al Roker is 320 pounds 'thin'.

If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.

My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.

As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew.'

Boy George is all England needs. Another queen who can't dress.

That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.

Everyone takes fashion so seriously! It's fashion - enjoy it!

[On plastic surgery:] My motto is: 'Anything that can be lifted should be lifted. Anything that falls should be caught. And try to catch any falling stuff before it hits the ground.

I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.

My daughter refuses to call me mother in public; my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.

Having a baby can be a scream.

I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.

I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them.

Don't talk to me about gravity. When I get out of bed in the morning, I have to be careful not to step on my breasts.

I was my own buddy in camp.

I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.

I think Hillary Clinton's style is perfect. Perfect. You don't notice what she's wearing, you notice the woman.