I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done. You can tune me out, you can click me off, it's OK. I am not going to bow to political correctness.
I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
The last time I appeared in Las Vegas, they were wearing hoop skirts and Davy Crockett hats, ... But they say 'What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.' And as far as fashion is concerned, that's a good thing.
I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very, very happy, you're not very funny. You're just happy. I'd rather be damaged and funny.
Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.
Mel Gibson's father doesn't think there was a Holocaust? Great. I don't think there's a movie. We're even.
I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!
to maintain success, stamina is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner.
Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.
Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.
I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.
Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.
I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.
The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
My father was a doctor so I was around death all my life. So, I was very used to it because he was a f-king doctor.
A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.
I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays
I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.
Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.
How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: "Last Girl Before Freeway."
The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.
I don't mind aging, I just don't want to be a day older.
They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another.
