Joan Rivers Quotes - Page 13

People are arguing whether Mel Gibson's "Passion of the Christ" is anti-semitic. Well, whether it is or it isn't, it doesn't matter, because I've been in touch with his accounting firm, Rosencrantz, Levy and Stern, and they're screwing him out of his profits.

Comedy exists to laugh at things that aren't laughable. But isn't it? That's what separates us from the animals. We laugh.

Anyone that says looks don't count is lying.

I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.

Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.

My body is a temple, and my temple needs redecorating.

I was not an attractive child.

My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.

She's so fat, she's my two best friends.

"I've learned what's funny verbally ain't so funny on e-mail: They don't hear your intonations. Melissa broke up with somebody over that. She tried to tell him: "That was a joke!" But he just didn't get it. Mick Jagger said, "F- 'em if they don't get the joke." And I love him. That comes with age: Knowing it's their problem, not mine."

You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.

Having a baby is definitely a labor of love.

Your proudest moment is to watch your egg not just function, but to achieve on her own.

Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm full of children. I think she got them at Costco.

If you're not a wreck in this business, you're not around.

There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.

There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.

Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

If you don't think you're funny, no one else will.

I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.

All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.

The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.

"I wouldn't go over here to Lisa Rinna and I would say 'Are those breasts real, are you wearing underwear?'"

The only way I can get a man to touch me at this age is plastic surgery.