Fun Quotes - Page 43

A comedian does funny things. A good comedian does things funny.

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.

I've never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don't sit on a wall, if you're an egg.

If you can find a host for me that has a friendly parrot, I will be very very glad… DON'T buy a parrot figuring that it will be a fun surprise for me. To acquire a parrot is a major decision: it is likely to outlive you. If you don't know how to treat the parrot, it could be emotionally scarred and spend many decades feeling frightened and unhappy. If you buy a captured wild parrot, you will promote a cruel and devastating practice, and the parrot will be emotionally scarred before you get it. Meeting that sad animal is not an agreeable surprise.

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.

I can resist everything except temptation.

In the past 10,000 years, humans have devised roughly 100,000 religions based on roughly 2,500 gods. So the only difference between myself and the believers is that I am skeptical of 2,500 gods whereas they are skeptical of 2,499 gods. We're only one God away from total agreement.

There's a fundamental distinction between strategy and operational effectiveness.

Being born with a pair of beady eyes was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Searching is half the fun: life is much more manageable when thought of as a scavenger hunt as opposed to a surprise party.

Year's end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us.

Women dress alike all over the world: they dress to be annoying to other women.

I've done the bad-boy thing. It was fun for a good three months. But the thing about bad boys is, you have to keep in mind, you're never gonna marry a bad boy.

Please don't retouch my wrinkles. It took me so long to earn them.

The most noteworthy thing about gardeners is that they are always optimistic, always enterprising, and never satisfied. They always look forward to doing something better than they have ever done before.

The most attention I get is in a book store or video shop when I go to the foreign film section. Sometimes that can be fun, but usually those women want to talk about philosophy or something very dense. It's not like they're tearing off my shirt, you know.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

When my master and I were walking in the rain, he would say, 'Do not walk so fast, the rain is everywhere.'

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Life is not worth living if I cannot have pasta or bread again.

I can at any moment convert my time into money, but I do not require more of the latter than is sufficient for necessary purposes.