Hilarious Quotes - Page 9

Nicole can do anything that involves a ball and whistle.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters.

I love any movie that has a retarded person working at Starbucks.

Bryant Gumbel's ego has applied for statehood. And if it's accepted, it will be the fifth-largest.

What are you looking at sugar-tits?

I'm not anorexic. I'm from Texas. Are there people from Texas that are anorexic? I've never heard of one. And that includes me.

I still love her. But she's retarded, too.

The limited circle is pure.

I fell into writing, I suppose, being one of those awful children who wrote verses. I went to a convent in New York-the Blessed Sacrament... I was fired from there, finally, for a lot of things, among them my insistence that the Immaculate Conception was spontaneous combustion.

I needed to make my wig ogg because I no longer wanted to apologize for who I am

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

Dublin university contains the cream of Ireland: Rich and thick.

I never avoid something that challenges my guts and my heart. While I might occasionally puke my guts out, I have never puked my heart out.

We found a great rhythm. Contractions started kicking in. I sat there with her, right between her legs. We got tribal on it, we danced to it! I was DJ-ing this Brazilian music.

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.

The old woman was the kind who would not cut down a large old tree because it was a large old tree.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. -T-Shirt

One possible reason that I don't believe in fate is that I wasn't fated to.

Girls, if a boy says something that isn't funny, you don't have to laugh.

I'll be honest, I felt an urge to squeeze him like a kitten and that led to the gesture I made. There was nothing behind it really.

Matt would stare at Andrew for 10 minutes. It's depressing that people are different. Everyone should be one person, who should then kill itself in hand-to-hand combat.

This is the only naked man that will ever be in my bedroom.

Now airlines charge for everything... If the oxygen mask drops, you have to swipe your credit card to start the flow of the oxygen.

I am truly not one to give advice. I'm divorced and I stole my best friend's husband.