Hilarious Quotes - Page 6

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.

At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

Did you ever think that making a speech on economy is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

No ideas and the ability to express them - that's a journalist.

Men have only two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

I'm afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light.

If you retain nothing else, always remember the most important Rule of Beauty. “Who cares?”

English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England.

All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.

I want to focus on my salad.

If women were in charge of all the world's nations, there would be sincerely believe this - no military conflicts, and when there WAS a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon

I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.

Just go up to somebody on the street and say 'You're it!' and then run away.

All pretty girls are a trap, a pretty trap, and men expect them to be.

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

I hope you're getting this down.

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.

What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.