Hilarious Quotes - Page 8

I actually don't understand a word Paula's saying anymore. It's like a new language.

I am joined with no foot land-rakers, no long-staff, sixpenny strikers, none of these mad, mustachio purple-hued maltworms, but with nobility and tranquillity.

Coffee isn't my cup of tea.

The behavior of any bureaucratic organization can best be understood by assuming that it is controlled by a secret cabal of its enemies.

I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.

I thought Europe was a country?

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.

Dude, are my eyes seeing what my brain is telling my eyes that they're seeing?

What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes.

Its easy to have kids, people try to scare you into thinking "oh its hard to have kids" Its not. I have two, and I have no idea where they are right now. Kids are adorable, someone will always take care of them.

If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.

Crack is cheap. I make too much money to ever smoke crack. Let's get that straight. OK? We don't do crack. We don't do that. Crack is whack.

I think women dress for other women to let them know what their deal is. Because if women were only dressing for men, there would be nothing but Victoria's Secret. There would be no Dior.

I didn't have a big fat Greek wedding, but I have a lot of fat Greek friends.

The reason for the unreason with which you treat my reason , so weakens my reason that with reason I complain of your beauty.

I think god gave us talent because he screwed up our hair

Pretty sad. Pretty lonely. But that's how I prefer it? I quess? I guess. It's a good guess. It's the best quess ever.

[Thine] face is not worth sunburning.

I think growing up on a farm in a certain amount of isolation, with not a lot of friends nearby, makes you entertain yourself and kind of grows your imagination - being alone is quite good for all that. You make up stories, talk to the animals, let them be an audience, a bunch of cows.

The best part about being alone is that you really don't have to answer to anybody. You do what you want.

Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.

If you have something to say and say nothing, you are really telling a lie.

The moment the door opened I knew an ass-kicking was inevitable. Whether I'd be giving it or receiving it was still a bit of a mystery.

This woman did not fly to extremes; she lived there.