Humor Quotes - Page 10

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

As long as you can savor the humorous aspect of misery and misfortune, you can overcome anything.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

All work and no play doesn't just make Jill and Jack dull, it kills the potential of discovery, mastery, and openness to change and flexibility and it hinders innovation and invention.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.

Don't look forward to the day you stop suffering, because when it comes you'll know you're dead.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

This is as true in everyday life as it is in battle: we are given one life and the decision is ours whether to wait for circumstances to make up our mind, or whether to act, and in acting, to live.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

Zen... does not confuse spirituality with thinking about God while one is peeling potatoes. Zen spirituality is just to peel the potatoes.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

If you must make a noise, make it quietly.

Few things are more irritating than when someone who is wrong is also very effective in making his point.

I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I got rabies shots for biting the head off a bat but that's OK - the bat had to get Ozzy shots.

'Understanding' art is like having a sense of humour - if you don't have one, no amount of explanation is going to make you laugh.

Eating and sleeping are the only activities that should be allowed to interrupt a man's enjoyment of his cigar.

I would rather have a nod from an American, than a snuff- box from an emperor.