Humor Quotes - Page 11

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

One should as a rule respect public opinion in so far as is necessary to avoid starvation and to keep out of prison, but anything that goes beyond this is voluntary submission to an unnecessary tyranny.

Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.

To achieve great things, two things are needed; a plan, and not quite enough time.

Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.

I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it.

I can see how it might be possible for a man to look down upon the earth and be an atheist, but I cannot conceive how a man could look up into the heavens and say there is no God.

A joke is a very serious thing.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with.

Vote early and vote often.

Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.

Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves and the teacher says: Imagine what it does to your TEETH! So Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to improve.

Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.

Time is a circus, always packing up and moving away.

Never draw anything you can copy, never copy anything you can trace, never trace anything you can cut out and paste up.

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

I don't at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited.

My dad used to say to me, 'You look more like me than I do.'

A keen sense of humor helps us to overlook the unbecoming, understand the unconventional, tolerated the unpleasant, overcome the unexpected, and outlast the unbearable.