Humor Quotes - Page 12

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

On second thought, I think I am more crazy than my goat.

Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

The roulette table pays nobody except him that keeps it. Nevertheless a passion for gaming is common, though a passion for keeping roulette tables is unknown.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

I never tell one client that I cannot attend his sales convention because I have a previous engagement with another client; successful polygamy depends upon pretending to each spouse that she is the only pebble on your beach.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat

Thank you so much for breaking my heart because you got me four Grammys.

On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't, he said: Do you mind if I mug you here?

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

A good programmer is someone who always looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.

In good times, people want to advertise; in bad times, they have to.

Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.

Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.

To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two.

You haven't got a letter on yours," George observed. "I suppose she thinks you don't forget your name. But we're not stupid-we know we're called Gred and Forge.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

What is this life if, full of care, we have no time to stand and stare.

If 'pro' is the opposite of 'con' what is the opposite of 'progress'?

My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.