Humor Quotes - Page 7

Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.

Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.

Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

I had explained that a woman's asking for equality in the church would be comparable to a black person's demanding equality in the Ku Klux Klan

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

Young people everywhere have been allowed to choose between love and a garbage disposal unit. Everywhere they have chosen the garbage disposal unit.

By the way, did you ever realize that if Moses would have turned right instead of left, we'd have had the oil, the Arabs would have had the sand?

We have federal regulations and state laws that prohibit hunting ducks with more than three rounds. And yet it's legal to hunt humans with 15-round, 30-round, even 150-round magazines.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.

Earth is here so kind, that just tickle her with a hoe and she laughs with a harvest.

A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns.

Acting is a masochistic form of exhibitionism. It is not quite the occupation of an adult.

The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.

A man told me that for a woman, I was very opinionated. I said, 'for a man you're kind of ignorant'.

A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

You always have two choices: your commitment versus your fear.

Do you think God gets stoned? I think so ... look at the platypus.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say, well done. And to the C students, I say, you too can be president of the United States.

Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

Where are all the sour patch parents?