Humor Quotes - Page 8

Wit is educated insolence.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

...and the funny thing was that people who weren't entirely certain they were right always argued much louder than other people, as if the main person they were trying to convince were themselves.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

I remain just one thing, and one thing only - and that is a clown. It places me on a far higher plane than any politician.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.

Everywhere in the world, music enhances a hall, with one exception: Carnegie Hall enhances the music.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

Tragedy is a close-up; comedy, a long shot.

I don't like anything in the mainstream and they don't like me.

I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.

I'm not really big on slapstick humor. I like gentle humor.

How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."