Humor Quotes - Page 13

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

It's not your blue blood, your pedigree or your college degree. It's what you do with your life that counts.

Call on God, but row away from the rocks.

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

St. Francis of Assisi was hoeing his garden when someone asked what he would do if he were suddenly to learn that he would die before sunset that very day. "I would finish hoeing my garden," he replied.

Big egos are big shields for lots of empty space.

Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont.

If "ifs" and "ands" were pots and pans, there'd be no work for tinkers' hands

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

I make the most of all that comes and the least of all that goes.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

Sometimes the person who is the most logical is the person whom we call insane.

To be a colored man in America ... and enjoy it, you must be greatly daring, greatly stolid, greatly humorous and greatly sensitive. And at all times a philosopher.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and likes to see us happy.

There are four kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.

A sense of humor is just common sense dancing.

There are no nudists in cold areas.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too.