Humor Quotes - Page 9

Humor and knowledge are the two great hopes of our culture.

A farce, or slapstick humor, does well universally.

All men should strive to learn before they die, what they are running from, and to, and why.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

Murder is always a mistake. One should never do anything that one cannot talk about after dinner.

Never place a period where God has placed a comma.

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!

Good authors, too, who once knew better words now only use four-letter words writing prose... anything goes.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Pro and con are opposites, that fact is clearly seen. If progress means to move forward, then what does congress mean?

Any fool can write code that a computer can understand. Good programmers write code that humans can understand.

There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.

Now, you two – this year, you behave yourselves. If I get one more owl telling me you've – you've blown up a toilet or –" "Blown up a toilet? We've never blown up a toilet." "Great idea though, thanks, Mum.

If we have to have a choice between being dead and pitied, and being alive with a bad image, we'd rather be alive and have the bad image.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

But it is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, which, by often rumination, wraps me in the most humorous sadness.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old.

Please don't retouch my wrinkles. It took me so long to earn them.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.