Humor Quotes - Page 20

Does God have a sense of humor? He must have if He created us.

Don't talk to me." "Why not?" "Because I want to fix that in my memory for ever. Draco Malfoy, the amazing bouncing ferret.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn't have in your home.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

The only way to lose weight is to check it as airline baggage.

They are born, put in a box; they go home to live in a box; they study by ticking boxes; they go to what is called "work" in a box, where they sit in their cubicle box; they drive to the grocery store in a box to buy food in a box; they talk about thinking "outside the box"; and when they die they are put in a box.

I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.

You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

This crusade, this war on terrorism is going to take a while.

Should I be the one to play God? We're both about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

This island is made mainly of coal and surrounded by fish. Only an organizing genius could produce a shortage of coal and fish at the same time.

Fill what is empty, empty what is full, and scratch where it itches.

When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax - tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed man.

My best efforts were some modern things that looked like very lousy Matisses. Thank God I had the sense to realize they were lousy, and leave Paris.

Humor is not a mood but a way of looking at the world. So if it is correct to say that humor was stamped out in Nazi Germany, that does not mean that people were not in good spirits, or anything of that sort, but something much deeper and more important.

A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.

The new Haitian baseball can't weigh more than four ounces or less than five.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

He was just trying to tease me - I knew that later - but he said he'd have to leave because it wasn't fair to have anyone in the room who was going to make fun of what he had to say. He had a good sense of humor, really.