Humor Quotes - Page 19

Doing nothing is very hard to do... you never know when you're finished.

I've always had a theory that some of us are born with nerve endings longer than our bodies

The more I live, the more I think that humor is the saving sense.

Famous people come up to me, but I don't know who they are because my sight is so bad. It's always at the pool of the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills when I don't have my lenses in and my glasses are in my room.

I like terra firma; the more firma, the less terra.

I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it.

I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. Its been about two months since I've worked out. And I just don't have the time. Which uh..is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh..and watch TV. And get a bone density test. And uh.. try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

I find intelligence sexy. I find a sense of humor sexy. I find sensitivity sexy.

Ridicule is generally made use of to laugh men out of virtue and good sense, by attacking everything praiseworthy in human life.

A bureaucrat is a Democrat who holds some office that a Republican wants.

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.

Canoe + waterfall = I don't go camping anymore.

The place was so British, I wouldn't have been surprised if the mice wore monocles.

God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.

I admire that about the Republicans: The evidence does not faze them. They are not bothered at all by the facts.

When it is a question of money, everybody is of the same religion.

Reality is something you rise above.