Humor Quotes - Page 28

Malachi scowled. "I don't remember the Clave inviting you into the Glass City, Magnus Bane." "They didn't," Magnus said. "Your wards are down." "Really?" the Consul's voice dripped sarcasm. "I hadn't noticed." Magnus looked concerned. "That's terrible. Someone should have told you." He glanced at Luke. "Tell him the wards are down.

When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.

A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.

The 1928 Republican Convention opened with a prayer. If the Lord can see His way clear to bless the Republican Party the way it's been carrying on, then the rest of us ought to get it without even asking.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Common sense is the most widely shared commodity in the world, for every man is convinced that he is well supplied with it.

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off

Silly is you in a natural state, and serious is something you have to do until you can get silly again.

To go into acting is like asking for admission to an insane asylum. Anyone may apply, but only the certifiably insane are admitted.

Most successful investors, in fact, do nothing most of the time.

Thieves respect property. They merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it.

Wisdom lies in taking everything with good humor and a grain of salt.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Look! A trickle of water running through some dirt! I'd say our afternoon just got booked solid!

Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.

I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

You are never too old to become younger!

If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too much is just about right!

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.

Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.'

Not enough gets said about the importance of abandoning crap.