Humor Quotes - Page 30

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

Nothing is stronger than habit.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I'm tired.

A woman gets stretch marks from one of two things. Either she was big and got small or she was small and got big.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

It is better to swallow words than to have to eat them later.

Next to power without honor, the most dangerous thing in the world is power without humor.

My friends, there are no friends.

Sometimes that light at the end of the tunnel is a train.

Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.

Ninety percent of everything is crap.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.

Is there any indication we shouldn't be depressed - are you living on the same planet that I am? Do you ever think that depression might be the reasonable human response to the crap we're going through as a species, meant to propel us into the next evolutionary step, or at least into taking some different course of action so we might survive? Do you ever think that maybe it's the happy people that are really screwed up in the head?

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: 'President Can't Swim.'

If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work, driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for, in order to get to a job that you need so you can pay for the clothes, car and the house that you leave empty all day in order to afford to live in it.