Humor Quotes - Page 29

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't.

If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.

Those that know, do. Those that understand, teach.

She say, Celie, tell the truth, have you ever found God in church? I never did. I just found a bunch of folks hoping for him to show.

Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.

You go through big chunks of time where you're just thinking, 'this is impossible - oh,this is impossible'. And then you just keep going and keep going, and you sort of do the impossible.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

The trouble with being educated is that it takes a long time; it uses up the better part of your life and when you are finished what you know is that you would have benefited more by going into banking.

Never trust a man with short legs. His brains are too near his bottom.

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock."

My coping mechanism with my dyslexia is to use wit and humor.

I feel much freer now that I am certain the pope is the Antichrist.

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

Humor is really one of the hardest things to define, very hard. And it's very ambiguous. You have it or you don't. You can't attain it. There are terrible forms of professional humor, the humorists' humor. That can be awful. It depresses me because it is artificial. You can't always be humorous, but a professional humorist must. That is a sad phenomenon.

Watch what people are cynical about, and one can often discover what they lack.

The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn’t the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit . . . unnatural?

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

The attempt to develop a sense of humor and to see things in a humorous light is some kind of a trick learned while mastering the art of living.

You can tell how smart people are by what they laugh at.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.