Humor Quotes - Page 32

[Answering the phone] Hello, this is a recording, you've dialed the right number, now hang up and don't do it again.

You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.

Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I'm talking about. Every club you go into, there's always some old guy. He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the club.

Democracy is the process by which people choose the man who'll get the blame.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

In the course of my life, I have often had to eat my words, and I must confess that I have always found it a wholesome diet.

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law, and every time they make a law it's a joke.

Cricket is basically baseball on valium.

If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would you use?

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

Oh, we're playing nice now? Shall we have tea first? Brew up a nice pot of kiss-my-ass?

An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.

A conclusion is the place you get to when you’re tired of thinking.

A cigar has "...a fire at one end and a fool at the other."

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

"No comment" is a comment.

There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

All the commercials on TV today are for antidepressants, for Prozac or Paxil. And they get you right away. "Are you sad? Do you get stressed, do you have anxiety?" "Yes, I have all those things! I'm alive!"

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Rock and roll is catching on all over . . . France . . . England . . . They even have it in Japan, only over there they call it judo.

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

The main purpose of the stock market is to make fools of as many men as possible.