Humor Quotes - Page 31

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.

After creating the heaven, the earth, the ocean, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was "Don't."

How can I lose to such an idiot?

How glorious it is - and also how painful - to be an exception.

Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.

Mendelssohn never wrote any Water Music. However, he wrote the Scotch Symphony, which is even better, or at least stronger.

There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Turn your melodrama into a mellow drama.

On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'

Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. "Cheeseburgers?" "Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets."

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

Wit and humor belong to genius alone.

Sometimes you're the windshield; sometimes you're the bug.

Learn to help people with more than just their jobs: help them with their lives.

I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.

I gambled at the crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars, so it was still a lot cheaper than renting a room.

If I didn't have a sense of humor, how could I stand this trial now?

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called "terrorists."

We learn from history that we learn nothing from history.

Injections are the best thing ever invented for feeding doctors.