Humor Quotes - Page 33

The things that matter most are not things.

My rackets are run on strictly American lines and they're going to stay that way.

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.

The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober.

I am realistic – I expect miracles.

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.

Walt is dead. And, after a couple of hours at Epcot, you'll wish you were, too.

Imagine that, a poncho sombrero combo, I'll be off my tits on happiness.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

I bet the human brain is a kludge

I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write songs like, "What I'm going to do if I grow up".

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

Every law is an infraction of liberty.

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!

Humor is the mask of wisdom.

If you wish to avoid seeing a fool, you must first break your mirror

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

We're told to go on living our lives as usual, because to do otherwise is to let the terrorists win, and really, what would upset the Taliban more than a gay woman wearing a suit in front of a room full of Jews?

Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs.