Humor Quotes - Page 36

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise.

The lullaby is the spell whereby the mother attempts to transform herself back from an ogre to a saint.

Putting a little time aside for clean fun and good humor is very necessary to relieve the tensions of our time.

Wagner has lovely moments but awful quarters of an hour.

When I was 10 there wasnt trampolines and cartoon charaters, I never went to Chuck E Cheese! My mom said 'You wanna see a mouse pull the refrigerator Out!'

Once anyone who has a sense of humor can do what they want, they want to do funny bits as much as possible.

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

When humor can be made to alternate with melancholy, one has a success, but when the same things are funny and melancholic at the same time, it's just wonderful.

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

Humor helps us get through life with a modicum of grace. It offers one of the few benign ways of coping with the absurdity of it all.

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

Music is like girlfriends to me; I'm continually astonished by the choices other people make.

You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.

Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth.

Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.

The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.