Humor Quotes - Page 34

But you shall not escape my iambics.

Gray hair is God's graffiti.

Never praise your cider or your horse

Be amusing: never tell unkind stories; above all, never tell long ones.

You can avoid reality, but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.

The unexpected has happened so continually in my life that it has ceased to deserve the name.

At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

Our bravest and best lessons are not learned through success, but through misadventure.

If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.

The reason we want to go on and on is because we live in an impoverished present.

The essence of humor is that it should be unexpected, that it should embody an element of surprise, that it should startle us out of that reasonable gravity which, after all, must be our habitual frame of mind.

A fool must now and then be right, by chance

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

Being patted is what it is all about.

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.

I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!"

In most cases the only difference between depression and disappointment is your level of commitment.

Shortly after I met my mentor he asked me, ‘Mr. Rohn, how much money have you saved and invested over the last six years?’ And I said, ‘None.’ He then asked, ‘Who sold you on that plan?’

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.

You know how Mexican restaurants always have "border" in the name: Border Grill, Border Cafe. You wouldn't do that to black people: Kunta's Kitchen or Shackles. They don't do it to white people. You don't see the Honkey Grill, the Cracker Barrel... oh, nevermind.

Be bold in your caring, and be bold in your dreaming.