Humor Quotes - Page 35

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

People are at their most mindful when they are at play. If we find ways of enjoying our work blurring the lines between work and play the gains will be greater.

Yes, about ten minutes.

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

You can't study comedy; it's within you. It's a personality. My humor is an attitude.

There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.

I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets.

The plural of spouse is spice.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

I loved when Bush came out and said, 'We are losing the war against drugs.' You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.

Every government interference in the economy consists of giving an unearned benefit, extorted by force, to some men at the expense of others.

No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.

Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.

Don't interrupt me while I'm interrupting.

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end.

We were talking briefly about cocaine... yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!

The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.

You know how it is with some girls. They seem to take the stuffing right out of you. I mean to say, there is something about their personality that paralyses the vocal cords and reduces the contents of the brain to cauliflower.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

I quite like dark humor.

Give the American people a good cause, and there's nothing they can't lick.