Humor Quotes - Page 5

Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.

Acid is not for every brain .... Only the healthy, happy, wholesome, handsome, hopeful, humorous, high-velocity should seek these experiences. This elitism is totally self-determined. Unless you are self-confident, self-directed, self-selected, please abstain.

Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you.

One should die proudly when it is no longer possible to live proudly.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

Each problem that I solved became a rule, which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

Fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.

If ignorance is bliss, then knock the smile off my face...

If you talk to God, you are praying; If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.

The only cats worth anything are the cats that take chances.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

The ability to play the clarinet is the ability to overcome the imperfections of the instrument. There's no such thing as a perfect clarinet, never was and never will be.

I have no use for bodyguards, but I have very specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.

Be careful what you wish for, you may receive it.

Living at risk is jumping off the cliff and building your wings on the way down.

A good laugh overcomes more difficulties and dissipates more dark clouds than any other one thing.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

I should like to be a horse.