Humor Quotes - Page 3

You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

What this country needs is more unemployed politicians.

I believe in the truth of fairy-tales more than I believe in the truth in the newspaper.

The man who is truly good and wise will bear with dignity whatever fortune sends, and will always make the best of his circumstances.

There's nothing on it worthwhile, and we're not going to watch it in this household, and I don't want it in your intellectual diet.

I think pimp, therefore i am.

When others kid me about being bald, I simply tell them that the way I figure it, the good Lord only gave men so many hormones, and if others want to waste theirs on growing hair, that's up to them.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."

Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

The smallest minority on earth is the individual. Those who deny individual rights cannot claim to be defenders of minorities.

I'd rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort.

Don't be afraid of opposition. Remember, a kite rises against, not with, the wind.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

I look into eyes, shake their hand, pat their back, and wish them luck, but I am thinking, I am going to bury you.

Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.

They muddy the water, to make it seem deep.

I'm strong, I'm tough, I still wear my eyeliner.

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?