Humor Quotes - Page 2

I prefer someone who burns the flag and then wraps themselves up in the Constitution over someone who burns the Constitution and then wraps themselves up in the flag.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

What a fine weather today! Can’t choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

It is commonly believed that anyone who tabulates numbers is a statistician. This is like believing that anyone who owns a scalpel is a surgeon.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

There is no such thing as bad whiskey. Some whiskeys just happen to be better than others. But a man shouldn't fool with booze until he's fifty; then he's a damn fool if he doesn't.

A socialist is somebody who doesn't have anything, and is ready to divide it up equally among everybody.

I like whimsy and satire, and that's what Americans like so much about Brits. We bring subtlety and sense of humor that you sometimes lack. We have a very long history of importing Brits like Christopher Hitchens who are better at it than Americans are.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Basic research is what I am doing when I don't know what I am doing.

The happiness of those who want to be popular depends on others; the happiness of those who seek pleasure fluctuates with moods outside their control; but the happiness of the wise grows out of their own free acts.

People who know little are usually great talkers, while men who know much say little.

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.

Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

We do not rejoice in victories. We rejoice when a new kind of cotton is grown and when strawberries bloom in Israel.