Humor Quotes - Page 4

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

It's better to be a dictator than gay.

While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, The fate of empires and the fall of kings; While quacks of State must each produce his plan, And even children lisp the Rights of Man; Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, The Rights of Woman merit some attention.

A gentleman is someone who can play the accordion, but doesn't.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.

My neighbor has two dogs. One of them says to the other, "Woof!" The other replies, "Moo!" The dog is perplexed. "Moo? Why did you say 'Moo'?" The other dog says, "I'm trying to learn a foreign language."

Canada is like an old cow. The West feeds it. Ontario and Quebec milk it. And you can well imagine what it's doing in the Maritimes.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.

When my cats aren't happy, I'm not happy. Not because I care about their mood but because I know they're just sitting there thinking up ways to get even.

You shall know the truth, and it will make you odd.

You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.

I think; therefore I am.

I've never had a problem with drugs. I've had problems with the police.

An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.

The whole imposing edifice of modern medicine is like the celebrated tower of Pisa - slightly off balance.

Cocaine is God's way of telling you you are making too much money.

A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.

To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope.

Why do they call it "rush hour" when nothing moves?

Don't play the saxophone. Let it play you.