Humor Quotes - Page 69

Clinton's an unusually good liar. Unusually Good. Do you realize that?

You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don't want to see the dog doing them.

Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.

To stimulate creativity one must develop childlike inclination for play and the childlike desire for recognition.

Humor is such a strong weapon, such a strong answer.

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

The wicked at heart probably know something.

America is a nation of 270 million people: 100 million of them are gangsters, another 100 million are hustlers, 50 million are complete lunatics, and every single one of us is secretly in show business. Isn't that fabulous?

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

Five exclamation marks: the sure sign of an insane mind.

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday."

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

Sometimes I... No, I don't.

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it because I was so happy all the time.

I'm not overweight. I'm just nine inches too short.

When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS.

When you're three, you're into custard, and jumping.

Tax reform means, "Don't tax you, don't tax me. Tax that fellow behind the tree."

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!