Humor Quotes - Page 70

Don't accept rides from strange men, and remember that all men are strange.

There are truths of which I have an inkling, but of most I have only a pencilling

Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

A sense of humor has been linked with longevity. It is a possibility that the mental attitude reflected in a lively sense of humor is an important factor predisposing some people toward long life.

Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline. If you'd like to lose a half pound right now, press 1 eighteen thousand times.

You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

Satire is moral outrage transformed into comic art.

At Epcot Center the Disney corporation has focused its attention on two things greatly in need of Disneyfication: the tedious future and the annoying whole wide world.

The Arab peoples possess an ancient and highly developed civilization that is in many ways more sophisticated than our own. For instance, they invented algebra. And this is why we have to go to war with Saddam Hussein this minute and bomb the shish kebab out of him before he invents trig and chemistry and the whole of America flunks high school.

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.

A community is infinitely more brutalised by the habitual employment of punishment than it is by the occasional occurence of crime.

There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

Yeah? Rock 'n' Roll is fast, you know. If all goes according to plan I could be in rehab next thursday. Tuesday week I'll be living on an island with a small Indian boy.

Nature never said to me: Do not be poor; still less did she say: Be rich; her cry to me was always: Be independent.

Remember this: The house doesn't beat the player. It just gives him the opportunity to beat himself.

God displayed a sense of humor when he configured the region between our legs an entertainment complex built around a sewage system.

Humor is the ability to see three sides to one coin.

Your main contribution is spray painting your nickname on other people's things. And my cousin, who's a 'gangster', he's like, 'No, Tash, you don't understand; you throw a fat piece up there, that piece is yours.' I'm like, 'No one thinks you own Costco.'

A Cannibal is a person who walks into a restaurant and orders a waiter.

Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it's cheddar. It's the only cheese you can bite and miss. "Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have cheese on it?" "Every now and then!"

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"

A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. "Come on, man, there has to be more to that story."

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

If you're watching a parade, don't follow it. It never changes. If the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast-forward the parade.