Humor Quotes - Page 71

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don't think so...retired mermaids.

The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.

We don't know when our name came into being or how some distant ancestor acquired it. We don't understand our name at all, we don't know its history and yet we bear it with exalted fidelity, we merge with it, we like it, we are ridiculously proud of it as if we had thought it up ourselves in a moment of brilliant inspiration.

The world is an infinitely fascinating, tragic and humorous place.

I think the scariest person in the world is the person with no sense of humor.

Reason must be deluded, blinded, and destroyed. Faith must trample underfoot all reason, sense, and understanding, and whatever it sees must be put out of sight and ... know nothing but the word of God.

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

...nothing so liberalizes a man and expands the kindly instincts that nature put in him as travel and contact with many kinds of people.

If you can't get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one.

It's all right for a perfect stranger to kiss your hand as long as he's perfect.

My legs tired, ain't your legs tired!? His legs ain't Tired! He Just... Tinktinktinktinktinktink, TinktinkTinktinkTinktink!! Just paperclips and Sparks everywhere!

Men forget everything; women remember everything.

A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple.

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

I'm not a robot; I have a personality and I have emotions. I have a humorous side to me and an angry side to me.

It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they're gonna spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard.

The meek shall inherit the Earth, but not its mineral rights.

The trouble with music appreciation in general is that people are taught to have too much respect for music they should be taught to love it instead.

The manipulation of statistical formulas is no substitute for knowing what one is doing.

It has long been recognized by public men of all kinds. . . that statistics come under the head of lying, and that no lie is so false or inconclusive as that which is based on statistics.

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?