Humorous Quotes - Page 14

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

Music is like girlfriends to me; I'm continually astonished by the choices other people make.

Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth.

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

Doctors will have more lives to answer for in the next world than even we generals.

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

In Paris, the greatest expression of personal satisfaction known to man is the smirk on the face of a male, highly pleased with himself as he leaves the boudoir of a lady.

I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away?

Write drunk; edit sober.

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.

Eighty is when you order a steak and the headwaiter puts it through the blender. Or when you wake up as many times during the night as Burt Reynolds, but not for the same reason.

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of

Of all the noises known to man, opera is the most expensive.

Democrats can't get elected unless things get worse-and things won't get worse unless they get elected.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

In Hawaii they say, "aloha." That's a nice one, It means both "hello" and "good-bye" Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going.

She could have a Grammy I'd still treat her ass like a nominee.

The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it.

The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear safety glasses.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.