Humorous Quotes - Page 13

In the course of my life, I have often had to eat my words, and I must confess that I have always found it a wholesome diet.

Oh, we're playing nice now? Shall we have tea first? Brew up a nice pot of kiss-my-ass?

An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.

A cigar has "...a fire at one end and a fool at the other."

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

Rock and roll is catching on all over . . . France . . . England . . . They even have it in Japan, only over there they call it judo.

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.

I am realistic – I expect miracles.

I bet the human brain is a kludge

I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write songs like, "What I'm going to do if I grow up".

Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).

Never praise your cider or your horse

You can avoid reality, but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.

The unexpected has happened so continually in my life that it has ceased to deserve the name.

At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

A fool must now and then be right, by chance

Shortly after I met my mentor he asked me, ‘Mr. Rohn, how much money have you saved and invested over the last six years?’ And I said, ‘None.’ He then asked, ‘Who sold you on that plan?’

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.

Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.

Don't interrupt me while I'm interrupting.

You know how it is with some girls. They seem to take the stuffing right out of you. I mean to say, there is something about their personality that paralyses the vocal cords and reduces the contents of the brain to cauliflower.

The lullaby is the spell whereby the mother attempts to transform herself back from an ogre to a saint.