Humorous Quotes - Page 28

Most people I ask little from. I try to give them much, and expect nothing in return and I do very well in the bargain.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

The fact that Americans drag around the world by the busloads to glimpse the past probably has something to do with the youth of our country. We revere anything older than George Burns.

Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know.

We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right in his bowl full of jelly.

Having plead guilty, I do not believe that I am any different than the vast majority of the members of Congress.

When I finally embraced abstinence it was because of the simple urge to work a longer day. Thus, without joining Alcoholics Anonymous, I was at last able to leave Piss-Artists Notorious.

Let me see you ride a donkey over my green again, and as sure as you have a head upon your shoulders, I'll knock your bonnet off, and tread upon it!

A modest ring at the bell at length allayed her fears, and Miss Benton, hurrying into her own room and shutting herself up, in order that she might preserve that appearance of being taken by surprise which is so essential to the polite reception of visitors, awaited their coming with a smiling countenance.

Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.

What if the worst is true? What if there's no God, and you only go around once, and that's it? Don't you want to be a part of the experience? You know, what the hell? It's not all a drag, and I'm thinking to myself: Geez! I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I'm never gonna get and just enjoy it while it lasts. And, you know, after-who knows? Maybe there is something, nobody really knows. I know that maybe is a very slim reed to hang your whole life on, but that's the best we have.

Should I marry W.? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name.

And my parents finally realize I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.

I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver.

The difference between a Republican and a Democrat is that the Democrat is a cannibal, they live off each other, while the Republicans live off the Democrats.

It (the double-clarinet in India) was primarily used for snake charming, since the snake would do almost anything to get the Indians to stop playing it.

The Japanese have become so smitten with the Western condiment - its texture as silky as a kimono, its tang as understated as the tang of Zen - that today they have a word for mayonnaise junkie: mayora.

My mother was the making of me.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

As I may or may not say to the Lord on Judgment Day, "You ask a lot of questions for someone who has so much explaining to do"

The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it sits in the dish too long.

There's a limit to how many times you can read how great you are and what an inspiration you are, but I'm not there yet.

The principal purpose of the Democratic Party is to use the force of government to take property away from the people who earn it and give it to people who do not.

Nothing helps scenery like bacon and eggs.