Have you seen a copy of Tax Tips for Billionaires?
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really bad seats.
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights.
Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.
Scientists have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is life after death -- though they say it's virtually impossible to get decent Chinese food.
Stocks are at an all-time high today. I don't have any money in the stock market. I don't have the stomach for the ups and downs. So about 20 years ago I put all of my money and liquid assets into videotape rewind machines.
I want to tell you though, I'm having the absolute best birthday ever. Last night -- this was so sweet, it means a great deal to me -- the other cult members got together and they all took me out to see Star Wars.
Number one: Don't frisk me. Don't hurt me physically. Don't get anywhere near my neck. And don't call me Regis.
You all know Newt Gingrich. Newt is short for Newton. People say if that's the case, what is Mitt short for? It's short for 'Mittens.'
You can email me, but I prefer letters that come through conventional mail. I like letters that have been licked by strangers.
Monday is President's Day and former President Bill Clinton is very excited. He is taking George Bush, Sr. to 'Hooters'. ... George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton have been spending more and more time together. Doesn't that seem like an unusual couple to you, honestly? Earlier today they went to go see that gay cowboy movie.
I wouldn't give my troubles to a monkey on a rock.
The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.
Jeb Bush may run for President. Bush presidencies are like 'Caddyshack' movies. They should have stopped with one.
Mitt Romney and his family have a big two-day weekend plan. They're going to hike to the top of his money.
The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag
Happy birthday to evil North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. He gathered family and friends together and celebrated by executing a few close friends.
Childhood. I wish I had something to complain about.
Let's stop for a moment to admire the rotating pies.
They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.'
I have talents aplenty. Unfortunately, precious few of them have any redeeming social value.
President Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said, 'Don't worry, we should not be there any longer than a Kardashian marriage.'
Bring Your Child to Work Day -- that's how we got George W. Bush.
I vote Democrat because I'm not concerned about millions of babies being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates alive and comfy.
Kids in Washington every year have the big Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. The kids found 300 Easter eggs. They also found about 10,000 missing Hillary emails.
