Henny Youngman Quotes - Page 4

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner.

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

I just made a killing in the stock market -- I shot my broker.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"

I think the world of you...and you know what condition the world is in today.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?

Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.

Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, 'I hope it doesn't rain today. I hate it when the children play inside.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

When it comes to work, there are many who will stop at nothing.

My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!

College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.