Henny Youngman Quotes - Page 6

I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

Old teachers never die, they just grade away.

I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

We aim to please... You aim too, please.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'

I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

This man dresses like an unmade bed.

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange.

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

What is a home without children? Quiet.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

If, as the scientist say, sex is such a driving force, why is so much of it nowadays found parked?