Henny Youngman Quotes - Page 7

There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"

2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

The hitter asks the owner to give him a big raise so he can go somewhere he's never been, and the owner says "You mean third base?"

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.

Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.