Henny Youngman Quotes - Page 5

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

I've got enough money to last the rest of my life ... as long as I die about four o'clock this afternoon.

His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.

I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"