Henny Youngman Quotes - Page 2

A man goes to a barbershop and asks, How many ahead of me? Five. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Four. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Six. The man leaves, and the barber says to another, Follow that man! The man comes back and says, He goes to your house!

We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.

Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, How do you like it up here? The priest says, If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini? Yes. Rosary, get the bishop a martini!

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say, we saved your grandson. The little Jewish Grandma says, He had a hat!

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

I miss my wife's cooking - as often as I can.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, We want Youngman! We want Youngman! The coach says, Youngman - go see what they want!

My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.