Henny Youngman Quotes - Page 8

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

A little man is running a jewelry store. A man runs in saying, Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks! and runs out the door. The little jeweler says, C-C-C-Come in?

He doesn't get ulcers - he gives them.

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!

Take my wife... Please!

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.

Are you married? What do you do for agravation?

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.

I live about four muggings from Central Park.

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".

A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.