Jeff Foxworthy Quotes about Funny

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.

I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.

My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.

If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they're gonna spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

I notice my wife when she's on the phone with her friends, man they will share every animate details of their lives with each other. See men once we become friends with another man we may never say another word to him, unless there's valuable information that needs to be exchanged. Things like "Hey Jim, your shirt's on fire."

You have to change those diapers every day. When those directions on the side of the Pampers box say, 'holds 6-12 pounds' they're not kidding!

Ladies have come up with all these expressions to reassure men. "Oh, honey, it's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean." That may be true, but it takes a long time to get to England in a rowboat.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, 'Let him pull it over his head a few times, he'll learn.'

If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.

When you're young and you get to choose between sleep and sex you take sex everytime. You start getting older, you get to choose between sleep and sex, you choose sleep and just hope you have a dream about sex.

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.

You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.

By the time we get to church, I need church cuz I've been yelled at by everyone in the family.

[about sex and being married] It's like being the National Guard, we may not be seeing as much action as the front line, but we are living to fight another day.

If your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan, you might be a redneck.

That's just something instinctual within men. We always feel like we've got to protect our stuff. Even if it's not worth protecting, we want to protect it. You ever seen people who have like a piece of crap Pinto with a Club on the steering wheel. Somebody breaks the window, steals the Club, leaves the Pinto in a pile of glass.

It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.