Joan Rivers Quotes - Page 3

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

In every human endeavor, persistence is everything.

Never admit that your back goes out more than you do

Grandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel.

Two is company; three is fifty bucks.

Life is so tough. I don't know how old you are, but I've seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.

One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.

My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.

I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.

Better laid than never.

Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.

When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.

Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do.

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.

I hate thin people; 'Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?'

A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon.

Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die.

Here's a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.

Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you're okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.

Whatever you do to recover from a loss, people will be critical because they believe that the only way to recover is their way. And you will even run into some people who should be run into by rhinos because they actually don't want to see you get over your tragedy at all; grief is a spectator sport for them.