Joan Rivers Quotes - Page 5

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.

Omaha is a little like Newark, without Newark's glamour.

Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.

I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.

Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones.

Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?

I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.

When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn't wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.

Victoria Beckham is so nasty, why doesn't she just go home?! Her dresses are beautiful, but I don't care what she does. She's mean to all the people around her. She's too short to be a diva. We all use the same hairdressers, make-up artists, limo-drivers and greeters at the airports in LA and nobody has anything nice to say about her. They say she's rude. She can't always just be having a bad day.

No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.

Dogs are easier to love than people; they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.

I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer. I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds. I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off. It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom. My best birth control now is to leave the lights on.

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

Happiness, at my age, is breathing

old age' is always ten years more than we are.

I said to my husband, 'my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs.' He said, 'Blue goes with everything.'

I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.

Edgar had a heart attack, and I'm to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.

Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.

Any form of complacency is the kiss of death for any professional.

I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss - no matter what they tell you.