Joan Rivers Quotes - Page 4

Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.

Never buy a fur from a vegetarian.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

My mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn, she turned it over to see if it was Wedgwood.

Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.

On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you're acting; listen only to yourself.

My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For me that would be a shroud.

Looking 50 is great, if you're 60.

Somehow, some way, every person in the arts has to find an accommodation with disappointment and embarrassment. They are the pollen in the air we breathe. If you must go into the arts, go into them for yourself alone. On some basic level you must enjoy the act of doing it ... Otherwise, you are going to end up frustrated and unhappy. Recognition in the arts is luck and gravy.

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.

I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian -- and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had.

My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.

Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.

I now consider it a good day when I don't step on my boobs.

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.

Self-pity shortens your life.

The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius' bathroom floor.